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Saturday, May 31, 2014

Calender Girl May 2014: Lucy Mecklenburgh

The standard of women on the FHM calender continues to plunge with worthless reality TV star Lucy Mecklenburgh appearing for May,

Agent Triple P has never seen an episode of the show that brought Miss Meck (as she is often referred to, probably because her name has far too many syllables for her fans) "fame".  The Only Way is Essex is best described as a UK version of the equally appalling Jersey Shore.

It's impossible to describe an "Essex girl" to anyone who has never met one but suffice to say she will probably be adorned with leopard print, far too much fake tan, very high heels and clothes which are two sizes too small for her.

She will also have an accent that can remove paint from a suspension bridge at  a range of two miles.  Even Professor Henry Higgins would give up in despair at the completely mangled version of English used by these people.  Foreigners would need subtitles.

 She's not really that colour, you know

So, Miss Mecklenburgh is not the sort of lady to take to tea at the Ritz (although maybe she is, these days) and, as we haven't seen any of the programmes (which are inexplicably popular in Britain) we know nothing about her other than the fact that she is 22 and seems to have got through quite a lot of boyfriends during the course of the show.

What we can learn is that she really has quite a splendid figure, with a nicely defined waist and impressive legs.  Even when snapped by a paparazzo in Miami (wearing perfectly normal clothes for  a stroll through the streets - see below) she  actually looks rather fine.

She has an engagingly vacuous looking face but rather nice, sultry eyes.  The trick, we suspect, is never to allow her to speak...

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Big Breakfast of the Week 19: Sainsbury's

Agent Triple P lives a very stressful life and really only has Sundays to de-stress.  A good way to start the day is by going to the local Sainsbury supermarket cafe, having a big cooked breakfast, two pots of tea and reading the arts supplement of the Sunday newspaper.  Our particular branch of Sainsbury has been enlarged several times.  In the first rebuild the cafe, which had served hot food, was turned into a tedious coffee and pastry sort of establishment.  Disappointing.  When they extended it again they built a proper cafe upstairs where you can get, once more, a proper breakfast.

As usual, lots of unused disabled slots

The one Triple P prefers is the big breakfast with an extra sausage and an extra egg.  Three sausages, two rashers of (pretty good) bacon, two fried eggs, tomato, baked beans a hash brown and two slices of brown toast.  Not badfor under £6, although, inevitably the sausages let it down.  They do have proper HP sauce and Coleman's mustard, though.  The tea is not brilliant, however.  6/10.

Friday, May 16, 2014

Liz Hurley looking Fabulous at 48. Jennifer Beals looking fabulous at 50

Miss Hurley was out and about yesterday looking fantastic, we have to say.  Agent Triple P met her a few years ago at a charity event and was quite bowled over by her loveliness and charm.  Interestingly, this was held at a Royal venue and her hauteur was such that even the Royal Household staff on duty referred to her as "madame" throughout!

Also turning heads this week was 50 year old Jennifer Beals.  Most famous for Flashdance (1983) but Triple P remembers her best as the star of Vancouver-shot lesbian drama The L-Word (much appreciated by our particular friend S from that city).

All of Agent Triple P's principal ladies are now over forty and all of them are fabulous with a combination of well-looked after bodies, sexual confidence and a mature world outlook and sense of humour.  Forget dolly-birds (to use a term from Triple P 's distant past) whose appeal is often visual only, these are real women.  Splendid!

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Eurovision 2014: Polish entry - Donatan and Cleo

Cleo sings for Poland

So, another bizarre Eurovision Song Contest has passed with an even more bizarre winner in bearded Austrian transvestite Conchita Wurst, who BBC commentator Graham Norton (who was very off-form this year) kept calling "she".  Still, it was a strong song, in a pastiche James Bond theme sort of way, which was very well sung by Tom (as he is really called).

Lorenzo shakes it

Britain's entry, the completely unknown Molly Smitten-Downes (whose name sounds like a character from a Jilly Cooper showjumping and shagging novel), had the advantage of going last but the disadvantage of not being able to sing that well.  Certainly she was a little insipid compared with the likes of, for example, former X-Factor contestant Ruth Lorenzo, competing for Spain, whose bust engagingly signalled her big notes several seconds in advance.

Backstage with two of Poland's background girls

There was a paucity of underdressed dancing decoration from former Eastern Bloc countries this year.  Croatia, Serbia, Czech Rebublic and Bulgaria didn't compete this year and Macedonia, Albania, Georgia, Moldova, Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania didn't make the final.  This meant that some of the big block votes (Baltic countries, Balkans and former Soviet Republics) we have seen in the past were not so apparent.

Churn it girl, churn it!

All was not lost, however, because of a jovially politically incorrect performance from Polish act Donatan and Cleo.  This featured, more or less, Polish ladies in national costume disporting themselves on stage while lead singer Cleo blasted out the vocals.

Scrub it, girl, scrub it

Two of the girls mimed doing their washing and churning milk whilst wearing low cut tops.  There has been horror from the increasingly vocal anti-objectification of women caucus in the trendier parts of the media over here.  Fortunately the Poles, an admirable, hard-working people with a long, historic heritage, have more sense of humour than some of Triple P's countrymen.

Donatan lurks amongst the Slavic Girls

Oddly (or perhaps sensibly), Donatan, the male member of the group, didn't go on stage at all which must be the first time one of the named acts didn't actually appear.  His partner Cleo (Joanna Klepko - a former polish X-Factor contestant) handled the vocals for their slightly grating but enthusiastic folk/hip-hop song My SÅ‚owianie (Slavic Girls).

Some fine examples of national dress

The butter churning and washer-woman figures on stage may have appeared to be rather random but they are reflections of the song's original video where a group of Polish lovelies (and really lovely they are too) are shown how to be proper Slavic girls.

This seems to involve mainly displaying their busts to great advantage while butter churning, washing and one we didn't see onstage, making bread.  The whole thing is entertainingly like an old Benny Hill Hill's Angels video.

The video also shows this quite spectacular example of Polish womanhood having a nice bath in a wooden tub afterwards.

Sadly, the song itself wasn't that strong (who actually really thinks hip-hop is music?) but still finished 14th, slightly better than the UK's 17th.

The voting for the final was split 50/50 between a panel of "experts" and a public telephone vote.  Interestingly, the British experts put Malta in their top spot and Poland dead last.  The song finished 23rd out of 25 so it makes you wonder about their expertise.  Malta has had some excellent songs in the past but this wasn't one of them.  What was more interesting was that the 12 points as awarded by the British telephone voters went to Poland.  Which either shows quite how many Polish people we have in Britain now or how much British people like tits.  Or maybe both.

More pictures of the girls, wearing rather less, can be found on our Venus Observations blog here.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Calendar Girl April 2014: Helen Flanagan

We're a bit late, inevitably, with April's Calendar girl, probably because we aren't very interested in her.  She is 23 year old actress and WAG Helen Flanagan who spent 12 years on ghastly Northern soap Coronation Street.  This everyday tale of Northern folk has been running since 1960 and has now had over 8000 episodes.  Agent Triple P thinks he may have seen a few of these back in the sixties when his mother sometimes watched it.

Violet Carson

We remember, in the seventies how it was nice that the actors on British TV dramas like Coronation Street looked like normal people compared with their transatlantic cousins who were all impossibly perfect (especially the women).   Things have changed since then and now all the British soaps have their fair share of attractive women in them.  In the sixties and seventies one of the key female characters was Ena Sharples, played by Violet Carson.  Something of a contrast to Miss Flanagan.

Flanagan on the set of Coronation Street at the age of ten

Flanagan was just nine when she joined the cast of Coronation Street in 2000 to replace another actress who had originated the role of Rosie Webster.  Essentially, she was one of those actresses who had to endure growing up on TV going from a little girl into a very attractive young woman, so perhaps it wasn't a surprise that she left the show two years ago citing panic attacks.  "But little girls get bigger every day,"  as Maurice Chevalier once sang and Helen got a lot bigger.

Either the producers or Helen herself had her appearing in racier and racier outfits so that by the time she was seventeen she declared that she would be happy to strip off for nude scenes on film.  She began to appear in lads mags, increasingly flaunting her upper assets which everyone thinks have been artificially enhanced but she claims they are real.  Hmm.

When she left Coronation Street she claimed to be sick of the "tarty" character of Rosie Webster and posed, looking extremely elegant, for one of the tabloids to make the point.

Her willingness to strip off completely disappeared as she acquired the inevitable footballer boyfriend saying she was keeping her assets covered (just) for him.

In 2012 she took part in reality TV show I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here one of the highest rating TV shows in the UK (inexplicably)  and became even more well known.

Unfortunately, what she became known for was being quite thick.  Since then real acting roles have been short on the ground.  Perhaps this is why she did a U-turn on the bust flashing to appear as Page 3 girl in The Sun last year.  She is also keen to appear in Playboy, she has said.

Anyway, she must still have some fans as she ranks number thirteen in FHM's 100 Sexiest Women list for 2014, although that is down ten places on last year, when she was the highest ranking Briton.

She's not really Triple P's type as we don't like tattooed, big busted (especially fake ones) bleached blondes but we do admit that she does have a very attractive face.

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Happy Star Wars Day!

It's Star Wars Day and what better way to celebrate it than with these fine shots of the luscious Natalie Portman, as Padme Amidala, from the three prequel films.

She was very much the best thing in these (excepting Ian McDiarmid) and it was interesting to see, given how sexless the original film was, how they gratuitously managed to get her costume ripped in such an enticing way in the Battle of Geonosis scenes.

Such a lickable tummy; it deserved inter-galactic exposure!